I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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