I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
