I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Randomize
