I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
