he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
