i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
