i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
