just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
This baby is an asshole
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
