I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
