Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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