Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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