Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
