4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
