Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
