Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
