I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
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