I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
