I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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