in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
