At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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