I want to make a zoo with you.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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