at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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