Apparently you make a good broom.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
