I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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