I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
