I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
