p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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