Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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