he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
