The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
