I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
