I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
