Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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