I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
