god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
