Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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