i love accidental penises.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
