god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
