your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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