Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
