Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sober January is a disaster.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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