I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
