there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
