so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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