This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
