My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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