nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I want a musical about memes.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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