i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
