hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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