Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
