I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
