I can't watch pbs sober anymore
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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